i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
