I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
