wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
