I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
