So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
