I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
