Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
