if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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