I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
