My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
