So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
