This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
