He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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