I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
