I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
