dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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