fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
