well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
