Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
