I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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