Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
