He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
