I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
