i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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