**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
