It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
