So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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