This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
