My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
