she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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