:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
