i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
