I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
