the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
