6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
