it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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