it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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