Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoofâ€
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