What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
