i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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