in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
