Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
