His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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