I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
being pregnant is like rehab
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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