i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
