Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
