it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
