My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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