I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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