So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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