my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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