no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
