he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
