I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
